Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
