I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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