I wannas sexs uuuuu
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
