My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
