Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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