So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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