just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
