Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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