you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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