my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
