Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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