The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
