you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
