Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
