Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
