you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
