You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
