I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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