the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
