Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I will pee on everything he values.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
