it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
