Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
