Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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