I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
