Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
