Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
