You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
