i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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