So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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