no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
