i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
