I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
