Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
