also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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