guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
