i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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