Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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