So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
