do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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