New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
