I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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