tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
