my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
