getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
