i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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