woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
