did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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