bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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