Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
