Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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