I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
