i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
